Back to Me

I have turned some kind of corner.

I woke up one day recently and realized I’d been in a good mood for several weeks. I’d strung together a few good days, and then a few more, and the gaps were becoming fewer and farther between. I was vaguely aware that something was different, but it sort of came over me gradually until I realized that I’d hit some kind of new record for keeping my anxiety at bay.

When it hit me, I actually wondered whether something was wrong. Was it normal to sustain feeling this good for this long? It certainly wasn’t “normal” for me. I couldn’t quite put my finger on this new feeling right away.

But I soon realized what it was: I felt like myself. For the first time in longer than I can even remember, for the first time in – quite literally – years, I felt like me.

I am still facing the same big life challenges, but I am no longer feeling overwhelmed by and hopeless about them. I’m dealing with them with a matter-of-fact objectivity that’s much healthier and certainly more constructive.

What’s the secret? I suppose it’s got a little to do with timing, and a lot to do with just deciding to work to make it happen. I’ve come a long way in the last year. I’ve healed and I’ve grown and I’ve become more comfortable with myself than ever. I’ve taken ownership of my own happiness by focusing on my own needs and attending to them at a much healthier level than I had in the past. I’m delighted to find that taking care of oneself does not preclude one from taking care of others. In fact, it makes it much easier. I’ve sought out opportunities to spend time doing the things I love, and have minimized time spent doing things about which I’m not passionate. And I’ve become very picky about who I’m spending my time with.

So with all those pieces in place, lots of other ones have started to fall into place on their own. Many of them are music-related, and nearly all of them happened sort of organically – that is to say, without me taking the initiative to get them started. I’ve helped a friend write a song. I’ve been invited to write for a few cool new projects coming down the pike (details soon, I promise). Everything’s coming up JJ! Amazing how life starts to help you out when you start helping yourself out.

It feels so good to feel this good.